I’m totally going to lighten the mood around here because after calling people assholes, a little bit of a change is in order.
So last night, after all the kids had showers, I was asking if they had brushed their teeth. They all looked around at the ceiling, walls and any other place except me so I totally knew toothbrushes hadn’t come anywhere near their teeth.
“Brush them,” I ordered and pointed to the bathroom. The next thing I knew, there was screaming and the girls were yelling at each other.
“Mom!!! She stuck the dental floss up her butt!!”
Not the offending dental floss, but close.
“You guys just br—-wait, what???”
“I told Gracie I needed the dental floss and she stuck the container up her butt so I couldn’t get it. See?!?”
I turn to look at Gracie and sure enough, she’s standing there, buck naked, with her little butt cheeks clenched tightly on, what I can only assume was, the dental floss.
She had the dental floss shoved between her butt cheeks and she was holding onto it tighter than a clam.
“Mooom!! That is so gross!! I can’t use that! It’s not fair, they gave me that in school when the dentist came in. I want my dental floss!”
“Honey, just get another thing of floss. It’s not that big of a deal. At least it’s not up her vagina.”
“Ewwwww, mom, she wouldn’t do that, would she?” And we were giggling and I got Lizzy’s mind off the fact that her dental floss was up her sisters butt….and at that moment we both turned around to see Gracie loosen her butt grip on the dental floss and put it….
I can’t even say it.
She put it up front.
“OMG, MOM!!!! Now what am I going to do? That’s disgusting!!”
“Oh for God’s sake, Gracie! Get the dental floss out of your vagina! NOW!!”
Never in a million years did I ever think I’d utter those words. Never in a million years.
She gave up the dental floss, they all brushed and flossed—with another container of floss, I might add—and then went to bed.
And now I think I need therapy or a drink. Or a drink and therapy.
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Four Sea Stars 
Wow.
Just wow.
I know, right??? I swear, I can’t make this shit up. I just can’t.
Kids gota love them. At least the didnt try to wear it like a thong, lol.
Don’t give her any ideas.
Holy Jesus, this is priceless! Must share now!
Holy Jesus is right. Holy Jesus.
OMG! lol!!! Kids are great, especially the ones you would never think they would say or do something like this!!!
I know I shouldn’t laugh..but I can’t help it. Oh muh gawd.
Aaaaaaaaaand, this is why my kids are 10 years apart. 😉
Gahahaha!!!
I guess when you’re the youngest and you have an older brother and sister who take stuff away from you all the time, you have to get a little creative on how to keep them away from your stuff. Grossing them out would totally work. Just saying…..
She’s got that part mastered. MASTERED.
Floss first. What’s second?
Pull out of butt. I’m sure that’s second.
Rinse, lol.
With bleach, right??? I’m joking people, joking.
I…I just…wow.
you HAVE to submit this for Mamapedia. RIGHT? 😉
RIGHT. The commenters there would fall all over themselves with joy. I’m sure of it.
It is COMPLETELY unfair to make me snort diet coke!!! You deserve not one drink but a vat of wine. Does wine still come in vats? If not then a bottle for sure!!!
I’d don’t know abut vats but I do know about wine in boxes. I could use a box of wine right now…
lmao… i have 3little leprechauns… 21 NT, 18 girl – autism, and baby 17 he has autism too… this cracked me up… i haven’t had this happen ,but let me tell you, they have done some things that make me crack up and then wonder wth…
ohhhh myyyyy!
there are just so many things one can say to this… but they all end up sounding creepy and weird!
ahhh the joys of siblings! ❤
Sooooo many things and they DO all sound creepy and weird, right?
OMG LOL
OMG, I am roaring with laughter!!! Did you ever read JennyAlice’s post about the cookies? Hil.AR.ious! And well worth the read, too. But, um, yeah…eeeeewwwwwww!
Nooooo, I’ve not read that one! You must link it. YOU MUST.
That was one child who was determined to harass her sister!
You have no idea to the length this child will go to, just to piss off her brother or sister. She was born for it.
Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I knew no good could come from flossing!
You never fail to crack me up!
OMG.
My daughter is catheterized & enema-ed, but thankfully she has thus far never tried to put anything else in there.
I really needed the belly laugh today! Thank you for this. I heart you much, lady!
Oh my good God! That Gracie one is incorrigible!! I think I need a therapy of a drink after just reading this!! Hilarious 😀
xx Jazzy
Make two drinks, would you???
Oh, wow. I have no words at all. I laughed so hard all the kids came running and asked what I was laughing about. I wasn’t about to give them any ideas of where to put the dental floss, so I made up some lame answer. This was hilarious! Someday, I must meet this girl!
OMG
this is PRICELESS
This was almost ALMOST as funny as hearing you tell me this story on the phone. You are a GREAT story teller, both in writing and in “real life”.
That being said…ahahahahahahahahhhahahhahaaaa {deep breath} ahahhahahahaaaaaaaa
I’m still laughing over this one, and I’m so glad to see that you got none of the crappy comments you got at Mampedia–I was almost afraid to come back and look at the comments. Obviously your regular readers and friends are all-around better! 🙂
OMG, I know right? These are my people here. They get me, understand me and laugh with me. I love them so hard. And, I think, they love me right back.
Oh, this has me laughing so hard this morning. I’m on number whatthehellever on Things I Never Thought I’d Say (most recently, as I dozed off, and woke to my 3 yr old sitting on my head. Um, please get your penis off of my forehead. I hope to never have to repeat it (to him or his father. At least the latter would end in fun. The former just smelled like little boy butt.)) Vagina floss is your kid’s invention. Own it.
Seriously. You make me laugh. You brighten my life. Wish I could have a post from you direct to my inbox every day. Oh wait, I can?! I’m on it…! 😉
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OMG! OMG! OMG! That is a riot. I’m so glad you share this stuff, really I am. Makes my day.
Oh, the things we think we’ll never say to our children…my most recent one is “Don’t play in the potty water. Potty water is yucky. The potty is NOT a water table.”
Thanks for giving me a good chuckle today. 🙂
WAIT, the potty’s NOT a table?!?
Wow! I am laughing and crying right now! i am waiting for the day that my daughter tries to smuggle drugs like a mule herself. I would not have been calm about it, I would of freaked. Atleast now I know that if my kiddo does try it that she’s not the first, lol
Oh God, I know right? The things our kids will do!
I will forever think of Gracie when I hear the word “dispenser”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
What is totally logical: to a child on the Autistic spectrum: is totally logical, (if you take the time to learn what they were thinking & to understand they have a sense of logic that may differ from neuro-typical thinking. There always seems to be some kind of logic about it, but it can also be stunningly funny. If we can look at things from the child’s point of view… & muddle through with humor… we can survive & even enjoy the uniqueness that Autism brings to a child.
I muddle through with humor all the time. Love your comment!
I should seriously start flossing my vagina teeth. I would totally hate it if they fell out because I had bad vagina teeth hygiene. I seriously need to keep my vagina teeth. Healthy. And in my vagina.