The post to move the other post down the timeline…and where I’ve been.

So yeah, we’ve been busy.  To say we’re busy is an understatement really, we’ve been more like swamped, inundated, buried, flogged and trying to save a sinking ship.  Most of all though, we’ve been sick.  Have I mentioned every frigging one of us have come down with some form of disgusting illness since the kids started school?  I have???  Oh well.

I’m always amazed at just how much fluid a single human body can produce when sick.  In one child alone there was enough snot, spit, puke and shit to last me for a very long time.

A very long time.

By the numbers, and I may be missing a few illnesses, we’ve accumulated:

• 5 cases of pneumonia
• 1 or 2 stomach bugs
• 1 case of strep
• 4 common colds
• 3 asthma attacks
• puke, puke, puke and more puke
• 3 steroid tapers
• 3 visits to the hospital for x-rays
• 7 dinners thanks to my BFF, Pappa John
• 5 boxes of tissues
• 11 trips to our pediatrician and asthma doc
• 459,258 You Tube videos watched exclusively about Miinecraft

It is no joke when I say I want to tent this house and fumigate it the way they do bedbugs.  Whatever and whoever survives, gets to live.  My own form of natural selection.  Yeah, I know that sounds harsh but I’m really sick of sick.  My own neighbor has driven by, thrown food at us at a slow roll and texted to say she loves us but won’t get with-in a 100 yard radius of our house to save her soul.  I don’t blame her.

So that’s where I’ve been.  Taking care of us.  Trying to get everyone back to rights and begging the kids to wash their hands.  At one point I even asked, “Jesus H, what do you kids do, lick your friends when you’re at school?  WAIT, NOBODY ANSWER THAT!!!  I don’t want to know the answer!”

So yeah, pass the bleach, hard alcohol, brownies or candy corn but whatever you do, for God’s sake, don’t get near our house.  Just throw food at the front door as you drive by at a slow roll.  I’m a good friend like that, I won’t mind.

Siri is my new BFF

We have homework issues, we have them bad.  By the time Alex gets home from school, he’s exhausted, his mind is taxed and he desperately needs a break.  When he gets home I quickly put some food in front of him and let him decompress.  He immediately goes downstairs to his new love:  Minecraft.

MINECRAFT

It is our new thing but it’s a whole other post.  Trust me, it’s a whole other post.

So anyway, by the time I can get him settled down from school we have to work on homework.  But it’s hard.  School takes a lot out of him and most days we do what he can and we leave it at that.

One part of his homework is doing research for each state, a weekly assignment called Spell Across America.  It’s the bane of our existence.  He needs to gather information for a particular state and each week the state changes.  He needs things like: the current population, the state bird, state nickname, who the current Governor is and all sorts of other boring and inconsequential material.

He can’t stand it.

I can’t stand it.

Each week has been horrible.  For both of us.

For him, I’ve tried bribery, candy, extra Minecraft time, staying up a few minutes later and skipping showers.

For me, I’ve tried drinking a little, then a lot, meditation, deep breathing, cursing under my breath, counting to ten, then twenty, walking away and coming back.

Nothings worked.  For either of us.

Trying to sit down at the computer and researching each state has been an exercise in futility.  Every time I get an, “Uggghhh….this is soooo BORING.  Why do I have to do this?  If I really want to know this stuff, I’ll just look it up when I need it.  Uggggghhhhh……”

And I have to tell him, “You have to do some homework, you have to at least try.  You don’t have the plan.  Your teachers and I have the plan.  We expect you to learn about each state.  Don’t you want to know about Ohio, where I grew up?”

“Uggggh, Mom, I highly doubt Ohio is that much different than Kansas.”  

Damn it the kids right, Ohio and Kansas pretty much suck equally.  “OK, fair enough.  Lets just get this done.”

Look, a  pile of pads!

And then one day I was watching him with the i-pad and he was laughing his ass off.  I mean, the kid was literally laughing his ass off.  Snorting, giggling, rolling around on the floor, the works.  I thought he was going to puke from all the laughing. 

And I watched, I just watched…

“Siri, what is the state population of Arkansas?”

“The state population of Arkansas is approximately 2,673,400.”

“GAHAHAHA, snort, Oh My God this is awesome!”  More laughing, snorting, rolling around on the floor.  

“Siri, what is the state bird of Arkansas?”

“The state bird of Arkansas is the mockingbird.”

“Aghahahgahaha!!!  Oh My God, this is so awesome….SO AWESOME.”  Again, more laughing, snorting, rolling around on the floor.

“Siri, what is the state nickname of Arkansas?”

“The state nickname of Arkansas is The Natural State.”

“OMG, OMG, OMG, this is awesome!  SO AWESOME!”  More laughing, snorting and rolling around.

Siri was doing his homework.  He was getting Siri to look up his homework and he was writing down the answers as fast as he could.  For the first time since September he was doing his homework and laughing.

He was laughing.

It was unmitigated joy.

No way in hell I was getting in the middle of that.

Note:  I’ve talked to his teacher and we’ve worked out an arrangement so that he can use Siri, in moderation.  The key for us is that he does what he can, within his capabilities.  His teachers this year really get him and for that I am grateful.   

I can’t think of a good title. Anybody? Anybody???

We’re still on a Monopoly bender in this house.  My kids are watching TV and I think I’m slowly going insane watching all the old cartoons on Boomerang.  They have found Tom and Jerry and Scooby Do.

I’m in hell.

My kids think the Mystery Mobile is fricking awesome and thank you very much Tom and Jerry for introducing my kids to the phrase, “Come here little pussy, pussy, pussy.”  Now they are chasing the baby around calling her a little pussy.  They think its frigging hysterical and I’m less than impressed.

(And I know what the p-word is going to do with the search engines.  Every frigging wack-job is going to come her looking for some action and boy will they be sorely disappointed.  I don’t care, I’m that worn out.)

I got so desperate to get out of the house that when we ran out of popcorn, I schlepped them all up to Target and I bought a popcorn maker because my kids eat popcorn like Jerry eats cheese.

All the frigging time.

And since I bought the popcorn popper I had to buy the popcorn, and because I bought the popcorn I had to buy the seasonings, and because we had the seasonings, we had to have something to put the popcorn in.

And that is how it came to pass that I have about three million pictures like this:

I can’t show you the first few pics—I burnt my arm on the steam, dropped my phone, cussed a few good ones and now I have pics of the ceiling….

And this:

Don’t let the pic fool you–there was popcorn everywhere…

And now I have to go up to Target to get more popcorn because my mice ran out of cheese and in a house full of mice, a girl can never run out of cheese.

On the upside, I finally beat Alex at Monopoly.  It was the worst example of social skills ever.  For both of us.

I may, or may not, have said something along the lines of, “BOO-YA!  Sweet Jesus I did it!  Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.  I did it, I did it, I well and truly did it.”

And I may, or may not, have done a victory dance, or three, around the basement.

I will never tell.

Survival of the fittest. Problem is, I’m not that fit.

I’ve been a bit absent here.  I don’t know about everyone else but this summer’s been a bit rough for us.  I’ve been trying to get the kids on some kind of schedule and I think I’m failing miserably.  The kids are hot, cranky, sick of each other and I’m right there with them.

By the time I’m able to sit down for a few minutes I’ve already got one of the kids telling me something about the other one.  They’re ratting each other out like its an Olympic sport.  

“Mom, he’s touching me!  Stoooop!  Quit touching me!”

“Well, I’m not exactly touching you.  I have my hand approximately one inch from your abdomen and tehcnically that’s not touching you.”

“Moooooom, that’s so not fair!  Make him stop!”

“Ouch!  Mom, she hit me!”

The dreaded words, “I’m bored,” have been uttered in this house about 189,493 times, in one day.  By one child.  I have three.  See my problem???

These kids act like I’m killing them every time I suggest an activity and they go out of their way to act like they’re dying, truly dying, of boredom.  If my daughter doesn’t major in Theatrics in College then you can collect your twenty bucks.  I swear, she’s as dramatic as they come and I’m so screwed when she hits the pre-teen years.

Anyway, I’ve resorted to forcing them to do things, like go to the pool (oh the horrors) and they have fun once they get there but Good God All Mighty the effort involved just getting them stuffed out the door is mind-numbing.

Mind-numbing.

And I’ve come up with some responces for the kids hounding me 24/7 about how bored they are.  While I want to be involved in what the kids do, I believe they need to sort out some of their own issues.  So I’ve been saying this on a regular basis:

“Is there blood?”

“Are you dying?”

“Are you even close to dying?”

“No???  Then please work it out and leave me pee.  ALONE.”

And it’s been like that in our house for the last few weeks.  I’m a glorified referee, the kids are slowly driving me insane and I’m exhausted.  Add to it, the heat, Oh My God the heat, and I think someone may discover our dead bodies after the fact.

Cool down on Monday!!!

So I’ve been silent, not visiting my friends, not blogging as much and generally been absent because at this point I’m just trying to survive.

And sometimes I think surviving is enough.

Tubes and Pipes.

We have this game we play every year that started about three or four years ago.  Alex loves to do in the summer, every summer without fail.  It’s called Tubes and Pipes.  I have no idea where the idea originated from but my guess it was out of sheer desperation.

Anyway, here’s what you’ll have to have your husband do.  Go to one of those big home improvement stores and hit the plumbing section.  Get the longest section of 1/2 inch pipe that will fit into your car.  Don’t do what we did and get the longest section that’s available.  You will have to cut the damn thing down in the parking lot but first cuss like a sailor because the pipe cutter is, ironically, in one of those packages that’s hermetically sealed and takes a miracle and about a thousand cuss words to open.

Get valves, spigots, three way connectors, four way connectors, T-connectors and anything you think your kids would like.  Better yet, have your kid go with your husband so they can pick them out together.  Just make sure all your connectors are for the same size pipe/tubing.  Again, you can benefit from our mistakes…..

Pick up that pipe cutter and some sandpaper as well.

Also, don’t forget to ask Bevis at the store for a connector to hook this whole mess up to your hose.  This is very important.  You will have one pissed off kid if you make it this far and can’t get the damn thing hooked up to the hose.  Please don’t ask me how I know this one small, yet very important, fact.

See those gold metal things in the upper left?  That’s what connects the whole mess to your hose.

When you get everything home, cut the 1/2 inch tubing down to smaller sections with your pipe cutter.  Use sandpaper to soften the edges of the pipes—they will be sharp!  Throw them all into a big bucket or some other storage bin so you can drag them out and into the yard.

This is what it will look like, a big mess of tubing, valves and connectors:

But this is what you kid will be doing all summer:

We’ve been doing this for the past three or four summers now.  As soon as it gets remotely warm, Alex asks to play Tubes and Pipes.  I’ve never really figured out what the appeal is to this project, all I know is he enjoys it immensely.

He goes out and builds things and makes the water travel through the pipes.  He makes structures and tests its stability so it will hold water when it’s applied.  He changes the water pressure and alters the direction of water flow by plugging sections of tubing and using his shut-off valves.

I know Alex is not so interested in standard toys so when he gets excited, and I mean really excited, about something, I figure there’s a high possibility that someone else may find this helpful, or at least that’s my hope.  

If you have any questions or if I missed out a vital part, which I’m sure I did, please ask me in the comments and I’ll see what I can do to help.

As an aside, I’m not trying to take credit for this project/game as I know its been done before.  Seriously, I’m not that creative.   I honestly have no idea where we got the idea from so if you’re out there looking for a Copyright infringement let me know who you are so I can link accordingly.